Jessica E

Ode to a bowl of corn.

2009-11-12T18:38:00.000-08:00

I am eating a bowl of corn right now. Just a bowl of corn. And it is delicious. I just got back from hearing Dorothy Allison read on campus...what a beautiful, beautiful soul. If I ever grow to be half as talented or funny or confident or comfortable with myself...well, I don't even know. I feel so inspired. I know that sounds lame, but really. She asked who in the room were writers and a few people raised their hands (I didn't). And then she warned us that everyone else was going to be critical of us, of our work, and would try to bring us down--we have to be proud and supportive in our own community or we wouldn't survive! We couldn't afford to be meek or timid. Except she said it was more powerfully and elegantly because when she asked, for a second time--who here is a writer--people's hands shot up. They stood up, even. I didn't. I regret it now.

Dorothy Allison teaches writing and I think she would be a GREAT teacher...she just has this way about her--she would give it to you straight, no bullshit. And I don't think she has a condescending bone in her body, which is rare. I think I need someone like her, a powerful female influence. That's one of the reasons I am applying to MFA programs...not that I don't adore my writing teachers here but...okay. Listen. The other day I was talking to my writing professor and, somehow, we got on the subject of what makes a good first grade teacher. He said something like "At that age, the most important thing is that the teacher make your kid feel good about herself, and maybe teach her some letters." And I thought, "Hey! That sounds like what you did for me!" I didn't say that to him, obviously, but it's a legitimate comparison. If I didn't have someone to encourage me and to make me believe in myself--I don't know if I would be writing like I am right now. I feel like, after that first semester, he picked me up, put me on my feet and said "You will write"--hahaha, whether that was his intention or not. Well, now...I think I need a firm hand. I want to play with the big dogs! Woof!

In other writing-related news, I am...on the verge of getting all of my applications together. My personal deadline is December 1...and I have basically everything done, I just have to tie a few loose ends...put paper to envelop, cursor to "submit" button, and money into the wallets of many many people who are not me. It's been a long, turbulent journey. Wanna know where I'm applying? No? Well too bad! In no particular order:

University of Minnesota
University of Michigan
University of Virginia
University of Maryland
University of Wisconsin
Southern Illinois University
Vanderbilt University
Ole Miss
University of Arkansas(sy!)
University of Iowa
University of Wyoming
University of North Carolina--Greensboro

That's a lot of schools! I hope one takes me! That's all I will say.

Oh yeah, and I'm graduating in a month.

Ode to street cred + less cool stuff

2009-10-28T17:47:00.000-07:00

FRIENDS: Our new football coach Lane Kiffin has been named dropped by none other than Mr. Lil Wayne, whose mixtape "No Ceilings" has leaked before its October 31st release date. In the mixtape, Mr. Wayne remarks, "smoke weed, talk shit like Lane Kiffin." Please note: the mention of illegal activities and the flagrant use of language in the above quoted material does not necessarily reflect the attitudes of this blogger. However, one fact can be--no, MUST be--gleaned from this incident: Lane Kiffin is totally cool. If we, as a nation, hadn't known that before, we certainly know it now. Kudos to you, Lane Kiffin.

Mr. Kiffin's tweet on the matter: "looking forward to another great practice today and a huge game saturday...also a huge shout-out to Lil Wayne for boosting our street cred!"

Street cred, indeed.

In other news, I would like to apologize for my recent short, boring blogs. I have been very busy lately, what with getting ready to graduate in December and applying for grad school. I take the GRE on Monday--I expect a bloody massacre--but at least that will be out of the way. I really don't have time to be writing this right now--but I have recently received statistics confirming that people really do read this thing! A readership! Who knew! I would like to give a big shout out to all the readers in the following countries:

Everyone in the UK!
Republika ng Pilipinas! (the Philippines!)
中國! (China!)
Australia!
O Canada!
Éire! (Ireland!)
भारत गणराज्य! (India!)
Koninkrijk der Nederlanden! (the Netherlands!)
Bundesrepublik Deutschland! (Germany!)
Република България! (Bulgaria!)

*sorry if I made mistakes with the names!

I know you exist...you cannot hide from me any longer.

Ode to Writing

2009-10-20T05:54:00.000-07:00

QUICK THING:

Today is the National Day of Writing!!! UT is celebrating by hosting various activities around campus. I'm going to be in the UC (Rm. 223-4) helping out--come say hi! You can also go to Hodges library or the Pedestrian Mall for writing-related fun! Also: Post your own writing to UTwrites.net--it's our writing archive! Everything and anything counts: poems, stories, tweets, texts, shopping lists--it's all writing, isn't it? Yes!

I should have posted this earlier. Happy National Day of Writing!

Ode to a raindrop.

2009-10-15T07:53:00.000-07:00

Hello friends. It's fall break time here at the University of Tennessee. I am lounging, listening to the rain tumble through the eaves and my upstairs neighbor play the piano. Currently, she is plinking. Plink plink plink--but I can tell she really knows how to play. There is a certain familiarity, a certain confidence with which she strikes the notes of all those little piano games we all learned as children. "Chopsticks." That one where you roll your knuckles across the black keys. Not that I have anything against "Chopsticks," but I wouldn't mind a little Vivaldi. I wouldn't mind a little Clint Mansell. Hahaha. I should tell you that I don't know anything about piano. Specifically, I don't know if Vivaldi wrote/was well known for compositions on piano. Perhaps all composers compose with a piano. If Mr. Holland's Opus has taught me anything they do.

Later, I will do homework, work on grad school stuff, and study for that godforsaken GRE. That is my break, and let me tell you: I don't mind. I also might re-watch the first four episodes of Bored to Death, since our household is getting six months of free HBO (including On Demand) or whatever the deal is...and I can. I like this show more each time I watch it. And not just because Jason Schwartzman and Zach Galifianakis are in it. Ted Danson is also in it (!)--whose commendable hair (I've recenetly been informed) is actually a commendable wig. But really, this show is...charming. It's also humorous. Those words are really dull and lame, but I can't think of better ones right now. Bored to Death is...slightly different from everything else that's on T.V. right now, in my opinion (which may not be a very good one, 'cause I don't watch much T.V.). And if I may take liberty with the essays found in Burning Down the House: Essays on Fiction, I'd like to quote from Charles Baxter to illustrate a point:

The moderately strange in the middle of the ordinary is a lens for focusing the ordinary. Without it, the ordinary has nothing against which to define itself...We usually cannot recognize ourselves in a piece of fiction unless we have been taken down a path in which we find ourselves split and we meet ourselves coming in the other direction...It's like the moment when, often early in the morning, perhaps in a strange house, you pass before a mirror you hadn't known would be there. You see a glimpse of someone reflected in the mirror, and a moment passes before you recognize that person is yourself. Literature exists in moments like that.

Scenes in Bored to Death are recognizable and unrecognizable simultaneously, and not because a large portion of the show is set among the New York literati--a world that is forgein to most of us but not hard to imagined. It's because there are scenes where Jason Schwartzman's character is talking on the phone with a Nerf dart affixed to his finger. There are scenes where Zach Galifianakis is arguing with his girlfriend at the breakfast table, suddenly standing up to reveal that he's not wearing pants, only sad, baggy, white briefs. And you smile, not because he's been in his underwear this whole time, but because the bagginess makes the scene kinda weird...and real.

Okay--I wrote the above on Thursday. It's now 1:23 a.m. on Sunday, and I think maybe I sound like a big a-hole, what with quoting books and relating them to HBO programming. Seriously though, those Baxter essays are changing my life, I think. And so is this GRE book. The Princeton Review has a sense of humor AND they are teaching me seventh grade math again.

I think I have heartburn--what does it feel like? Shouldn't I know what it feels like by now? Yes.

Ode to a spider.

2009-10-07T17:24:00.001-07:00

Here is a picture of a spider that, until recently, resided beneath some wooden stairs in our backyard. It looks poisonous, doesn't it? Sure does. Well, let me tell you something, dear reader: It has mysteriously disappeared.

A bit of history: The spider was first spotted along the side of the house, between the driveway and some unidentifiable and unruly pink blooms. Then, it was suddenly beneath said wooden stairs. Once, I saw it wrapping a fly in its web stuff. Now, I don't know where it is. Let's recap. First: side of house. Then: beneath some stairs. Now: ?

That is all.

PS--click on the picture to enlarge it so that you may appreciate nature's beautiful terrors more fully.

Ode to How Much I Hate Myself

2009-09-23T20:59:00.000-07:00

I'm applying to creative writing MFA programs right now. That is what I'm doing. One of my top choices is the University of Virginia. The acceptance rate for UVA's program is 1.5 percent. To compare, Harvard Medical School's acceptance rate is 3.21 percent. Ehem.

Ode to Exploitation

2009-08-30T14:15:00.000-07:00

Hey gang. This blog entry will mostly concern the fine art of exploitation, of myself (first and foremost, always!) and of things tangentially related to myself. Ready, here we go!

As you should know by now, I interned at the Oxford American magazine this summer. The issue on which I worked (Southern Literature and Writing on Writing) currently awaits you at your local bookseller. Buy it. Please note: This is more of a demand than a suggestion. If you are in Knoxville, you can purchase it online or visit Barnes & Noble out West. Yes, I understand that chain bookstores may be the death of us all, but there (unfortunately) isn't another newsstand location in our area. I am urging the UT Bookstore to start carrying it (obviously it would sell, not to mention that the OA is taught in at least one literature course here), but so far I've received only radio silence. The better thing to do, really (and this goes for almost any magazine you enjoy, especially in this day and age), would simply be to subscribe. SUBSCRIBE.

This is the first time the OA has devoted an entire issue to Southern Literature, and all the neat-o features (INCLUDNG THE SOUTHERN LIT. POLL I SLAVED OVER) are explained here. Remember: There are only two surefire ways to be cool in this world: by smoking cigarettes and by reading the OA. Chances are, you won't be able to pull off the first one, on the grounds that only a select few can (also it may kill you). See: James Dean (pictured!), Marlon Brado (also pictured!), Mia Wallace, and Tyler Durden. So unless you are a 1950s movie star, or a fictional character, I'd stick with the latter.

SPEAKING OF SOUTHERN LITERATURE: The University of Tennessee has its very own literary arts magazine. It's called the Phoenix and is completely student-run. Here is a bit of honesty: it usually (at least as long as I've been here) blows in the actual "literary" department (the art, however, seems to do our talented, fine artists quite a bit of justice). Since I've never been a part of the editorial staff, I couldn't tell you exactly why this is, but based on rumors (always to be trusted!) and appearances, this is what I think: No one on staff gives a damn. The primary, and most nocuous, consequence is that there is very little promotion, which results in substandard and infrequent submissions—not to mention poor circulation numbers. We do have talented writers and poets here, but this magazine does them no favors. UNTIL NOW (I hope). My friend Willoughby Parker is now in charge of the entire shebang. And he cares…and has been drafting qualified staffers to help pull this publication up by its bootstraps, so to speak. So here is my plea to you, current UT students: 1) if you can turn a clever phrase, please submit and 2) for the rest of you, the Phoenix is always in need of volunteers to read submissions and to promote the magazine. It's fun and, if you'd rather be cynical about this, it will look good on a resume. In conclusion, I am very excited about the potential of the Phoenix's fall issue. I'm doing my part, because I care about UT's literary community—so be prepared for my frequent mentioning of this subject I urge all of you to care about something (it doesn't have to be literature! Haha! I'm just a snarky-pants!), too.

SPEAKING OF SOUTHERN LITERATURE AGAIN: Dorothy Allison is coming to read at UT on November 12!!!!!!!!! This is a big deal.

Ode to the Southern Summer

2009-08-19T18:52:00.000-07:00

Hello friends and foes! I am back in Knoxville and ready for this, my last semester, to begin. Ready I may be, but I am certainly not rejuvenated or fresh; my blood does not course with a particular youthful vigor. Oh no--as my more adept creepers may already know, I spent the summer interning at the Oxford American Magazine, in Conway, Arkansas. It just may have been the best experience (both practical and very impractical) of my life to date. Here is a small sampling of what I've absorbed over the summer:

1) I am worn out.
2) Llamas come in two types: aloof and bat-explicative-crazy.
...a. Llamas are born.
...b. Llamas die with their heads in ponds.
3)Chicken on a stick is delicious
...a. Oxford, Mississippi is a strange and surreal place.
......i. Chicken on a stick is delicious.
......ii. Chicken on a stick is delicious.
......iii. There are recycling bins on every street corner in Oxford, Mississippi.
...b. Chicken on stick will appear in Bon Appetit Magazine.
4) Southern literature is good.
...a. Thomas Wolfe was a card.
...b. James Agee was very attractive.
......i. Writers are attractive, in general.
.........1. I am lustful.
.........2. I am creepy.
......ii. Writers are cards, in general.
5) Arkansas has big bugs.
6) Punctuation
...a. Em-dash
...b. En-dash
...c. Hyphen.
7) It is impossible to refuse $1 PBR.
8) Arkansas is hot.
9) Magazines, such as this, are very important and must exist come hell or high-water.
10) I am really worn out, but in that satisfying way of aching muscles.

Now, I am less than enthused about my Magazine Industry Workshop class, in which we produce Scoop, the College of Communication's magazine. It pales in comparison to the OA. I fear my Summer Experience has already made me too big for my britches. Watch out! Very tight britches coming through! Remember: this is simply first class impressions. It might turn out just swell.

Southern summers are steamy. It rained today. Due to poor judgment on my part, I got soaking wet. It was scandalous, and my hair rebounded with three times its previous volume. Somewhat disconcertingly, there were many people all over campus. I mean, way more than usual. I will keep you posted as the situation develops. I spent a large portion of the afternoon observing the freshmen, in all their over-eager and/or pompous glory. It's not your fault, freshmen! I realize I must sound like a big upperclassman jerk right now, but it's just the nature of things. College, like the Southern summer, wears you down. Give it a year (or two, if you are of a particularly stubborn breed). Eventually it ends with a vague feeling comprised of equal parts disillusionment and validation.

PS--Two things should be noted, here: 1) As you may have noticed, I am no longer using roman numerals to title my entries. Deal with it! I'm trying a new technique that I may or may not have lifted directly from the pages of the OA's Best of the South Issue. 2) I'm linking previously mentioned items to the entries in which I previously mentioned them--a trick I picked up from the very funny Jack Pendarvis, a man whose words are certainly worth your while. Hope he doesn't mind!

XX

2009-06-07T09:21:00.000-07:00

Hey kids! It's time for a Summer Update.

As you may or may not know, I am in Arkansas interning for the lovely Oxford American Magazine. I'm also living on a llama farm. This is Pancake:

and Pancake is basically the pinnacle of my existence here. Not exactly. Working at the magazine is pretty neat too. I'm hesitant to talk about that because I feel I may accidentally give away top secret information and, consequently, become known as That Girl Who Had To Let It Slip. I foresee a no-exceptions ban from the publishing industry, a swift kick in the pants, possibly jail time. However, I will say this: I feel very very good about certain things, including myself and possibly the world. Read the magazine, please. The Best of the South issue is straining against the bars of magazine rack near you.

Sidenote here: To be honest, my original sentence went something like, "blah blah blah waiting to dazzle." Then I was like "wait, I want to use razzle; that word doesn't get enough play." (What can I say, not only does my interior dialog include semi-colons, but double "z's" excite me). So I changed it to "razzle and dazzle," then the spell-check was like "hey, look at this red squiggle and unhelpful spelling suggestions. Perhaps you should consult a dictionary." At which point I did. At which point the dictionary told me that "razzle" was indeed a noun denoting "any exciting and complex play intended to confuse (dazzle) the opponent," which does not exactly describe the Best of the South issue. And I was using it incorrectly in the sentence. Not to mention I figured razzle was closer to "sparkly and/or astonishing" like its rhyming counterpart. Wrong, apparently. However "razzle-dazzle" could mean "energetic, dynamic, or innovative," except there seems to be a negative connotation straddling the shoulders of this word, like: "showiness, brilliance, or virtuosity in technique or effect, often without concomitant substance or worth." In conclusion, I don't feel comfortable tagging the OA with either "razzle" or "dazzle." Upon slightly further reflection, I realize that the word "razzle" actually IS a razzle. That flashy, worthless double "z." Who does "razzle" think its fooling? Not me.

In other news, the bookstore where I worked in Knoxville was unexpectedly forced to close. So now I won't have a job when I go back. Which is a pretty bad situation.

There is a baby pony looking in my front window right now. It just left.

Also, I have a new love. His name is Wells Tower.

XIX

2009-04-22T18:40:00.000-07:00

A few things.

1. I'm just going to be honest and say I'm sort of updating this because I'm procrastinating my paper. It's on Frank O'Hara's poem "A Step Away from Them" for Contemporary Poetry, in case you were wondering. It's due Friday and tomorrow I will most surely be cursing myself, but alas, I like to live life on the edge.

2. Nerds are excellent.

3. It has been brought to my attention, prospective students, that the deadline for deciding whether or not to attend UT is almost upon you. Or you have already chosen to come here. Now. I don't believe for a minute that none of you have any questions. I mean, please. I had a million questions. Like, for example, "How do I find a book in the library?" Answer: I don't know. Well, I do. But explaining it to you won't make a difference. Trust. But anyway, I am - once again - opening the floor for questions. So take advantage. Honestly, guys, when I was a freshman I creeped people on Myspace and Facebook and then creepily messaged strangers about UT...and I am not yet willing to believe that was anything less than perfectly normal.

4. I will probably still update this in the summer. WITH LLAMA PICTURES.

5. I am going to continue writing my paper now.

6. PS Roman numerals are hard now. I don't know where the "I" goes. Guessed.

XVIII

2009-04-06T19:18:00.000-07:00

I went to a mustache party:

The above photograph is in response to my mother saying I look like one of these in my main picture:

Apparently, my web-presence is unsatisfactory. I'm sure the above has remedied it nicely.

In all seriousness, I thought my picture was quite neutral, an attempt, albeit in vain, to look inscrutable - passive aggressively thwarting preconceived notions based on appearances. But, alas, I resemble a canine with comically large features. There are worse things, I suppose. Like looking ridiculous, for example. Perhaps with some facial hair penciled on the face.

XVII

2009-03-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

Folks, it is the Saturday after Spring Break 2009 and what a tumultuous week it has been. I didn't go home or anywhere fancy. I stayed in Knoxville and my body lazed about while my internal landscape raged like the storm to end all storms. The movie Twister comes to mind. It's lucky that my body was in direct opposition to my mental state for I fear what would have happened had they ever fully aligned. For example, on Thursday, in some blind fit of sporadic, angry energy, I decided it would be a good idea to get some fresh air and exercise. I ran on the greenway outside. My calves are still a teensy bit sore when I point my toes. In fact, I sort of feel like doing this again right now or soon. This is frightening. Ah, the unexpected consequences of prolonged idleness and mental unrest.

Okay so here are some things that happened:

Last Thursday, the Thursday before Spring Break, I found out I got the internship I applied for at the Oxford American. The editor called me while I was at work. Reader(s), had I been certain that the sudden lost of all bodily control would not jeopardize my chances of obtaining the internship, I would have collapsed and lay writhing on the floor, right there between Nancy Drew and Magic Tree House. As it turns out, I was able to keep relatively calm and I answered all the editor's frighteningly loaded questions with some degree of finesse, given he offered me the position at the end of it all. So yes. To say I'm excited is an understatement.

For those of you who don't know, the Oxford American is a quarterly general interest magazine that focuses specifically on Southern literature, arts and culture. Each issue adheres to a certain theme, from food and movies to architecture and sports. The current issue features the past, present and future of race in the South. By far, their most popular issue is the annual music issue that always comes with a free CD sampler. Self-proclaimed to be the "Southern Magazine of Good Writing," the Oxford American has snagged more than one National Magazine Award over the years.

I discovered the Oxford American just this past fall and, in my literary magazine ignorance, was struck by how fresh and engaging it actually was. And it's a magazine about the South that isn't kitschy or pompous. From the perspective of a girl who grew up walking the beaches of Lake Michigan, I've encounter the negative stereotypes of the South from my fellow northerners, as well as this bizarre resentment/embarrassment of the South from more than a few of my fellow students native to the area. Simply, I'm glad there is a magazine that celebrates and expounds upon the deserving aspects of Southern culture. 'Cause I like it.

The offices of the Oxford American are located on the University of Central Arkansas campus in Conway, Arkansas. It's about 40 minutes north of Little Rock and about 8.5 hours west of Knoxville. And about 10.5 hours south of my little home town of Crown Point, Indiana. Point: Oh my god I'm living in Arkansas by myself for three months. I don't know anything about Conway or Arkansas, so I've been researching.

Apparently, Conway isn't far for the Ozark Mountains - which is neat; I've visited them in Missouri. And perhaps more interestingly, there is a festival during the first week of May every year called Toad Suck Daze. There is toad racing and other activities and I am honestly disappointed I will not yet be in town to experience it. I think it might be a big deal there.

Also, the mascot of Conway's high school is the "Wampus cat," a six-legged feline with "four to run with the speed of light, and two to fight with all its might." For those of you who don't know, the Wampus Cat is a legendary creature in Cherokee mythology as well as a "fearsome critter" in lumberjack folklore. According to legend, a Native American woman camouflaged herself in the skin of a mountain lion in order to spy on men while they told sacred stories and did magic. Women were not allowed to hear the sacred stories or see the magic. She was caught and the medicine man transformed her into a half-woman, half-cat creature that supposedly still haunts the forests of East Tennessee. Hey...did this just come full circle? I think it did.

According to Wikipedia, the Wampus Cat has been known to stalk humans and "several instances have been recorded of actual attacks, but most are believed to have been mountain lion attacks." I can see how one could make the mistake. As far as I can tell, the only difference between a mountain lion and a Wampus Cat is the addition of two more legs. If one were being attacked by either a mountain lion or Wampus Cat, it would probably be difficult, if not impossible, to get an accurate leg count.

WARNING: there have been reported sightings of the Wampus Cat on the Hill. Some believe it lives under the city of Knoxville.

Apparently, this is more serious than I had previously thought. If you type in "wampus cat" into the Google search bar, the first two suggestions - which, may I remind you, are determined by popularity - are as follows: "wampus cat sightings" and "wampus cat university of tennessee." No joke.

Once again, I've gotten way off track. Now my post is too long to tell you anything else that has happened to me over break. And I'm not even going to explain my stormy interior landscape. Too bad for you. Actually, I'd be surprised if you are still reading this. Although, if you have toughed it out - please spread the word about the Wampus Cat situation here on campus. Awareness needs to be raised. We all know what to do if zombies attack, but what about Wampus Cats?

Mountain Lion:

Wampus Cat:

Scary story.

It has occurred to me - and I'm just throwing this out there based on pure speculation - that perhaps only sexists need be afraid. After all, it seems as though the Native American woman was just rebelling against a patriarchal oppressive society. Perhaps the attacks are just a continuation in that line of thought. Perhaps the attacks are just an extreme form of demonstrative feminism. Just something to think about.

ps: I'm living with llamas in Arkansas. Word.

Llama:

XVI

2009-02-20T09:23:00.000-08:00

If people knew and understood how much I know about everything, they might ask me, "Jessica, how does one get the most out of one's college experience?" And I might pause for a moment in silent reverie and reply, "Become obsessed with your professors," because I would feel strongly enough about the subject to hyperbolize, and then maybe my eyes would dart around the room self-consciously and I would add, "In a sense."

Four professors have accounted for exactly 1/3 - that's an entire year - of my college education, thus far, because I keep taking their classes. Because they are good. And I've had some not so good professors - oh, it's a bad situation. So do your research, ask around, and try to get into these good professors' classes. Chances are, the word is already out, and it might be hard to do, but don't give up.

Actually, I've always serendipitously fallen into the arms of greatness. I never sought any of these professors out, initially; I just CPO'd it blindly. And I can look back now and say I'm lucky, because I know students now who have been tried for multiple semesters to get into some of these classes and they can't. (Side note - I'm sure we have lots of wonderful professors that I don't know. I am speaking strictly with the bias of knowing these four. That being said, I'm sure we have plenty of not so good professors, as is the case everywhere. I'm just suggesting you become actively aware.)

Here is another thing about professors: before I came to college, high school teachers and other people stressed the importance of building professional friendships with the professors you meet in college. Okay. I think some people might actively seek to do this, and I can see the benefits. I didn't do this. Actually, I remember having much anxiety in my first classes because people told me I should introduce myself the first day and go to office hours and blah blah blah - but that seemed forced and awkward. So I sat there in class. Silent. I still do this. Because I have a problem. I don't recommend that you do this, the silent thing. You should probably participate it class. It probably enriches your education. You should do it, yes. But that sad fact is, I am incapable, for the most part, especially in the midst of these intimidating professors and their intelligent pupils, to speak. That's ironic, isn't it? So you can woo your professors with your thoughtful responses and keen insight - or - you can hope that they pity you, or somehow find you enigmatic and intriguing in your silence, or that they give you the benefit of the doubt. Or they might have some other complicated process that allows them to evaluate your dedication to the class, like attendance and assignments or something. Whatever. I prefer to think I charmed my way into their hearts with my cagey aloofness.

Also, professors are crazy interesting PEOPLE. Perhaps, even, one of the most interesting collections of people living on this planet. I may elaborate on that at some point.

XV

2009-02-13T10:08:00.000-08:00

How to get a date for Valentine's Day.

The weeks before Valentine's Day are stressful for many a young collegiate male. Between the social pressures from fellow chaps and that insuperable urge to get your mack on, it's no wonder so many guys turn to typical mate-wooing techniques that never seem to work. No need to pop those collars, flex those muscles, or subtly mention your [insert extremely impressive hobby/collection/talent here] this year. Here's a list of five sure-fire ways to snag that foxy lady you have your eyes on just in time for Valentine's Day:

1. Join a band.

Throughout the course of history - from 45's and the Twist to Ipods and music piracy, one thing has remained the same: chicks dig guys in bands. Think about it: Jimi Hendrix, Georgepauljohnandringo, Jack White (so I've heard...this might be a niche thing) and if you'll allow me to divulge my current personal preferences: Andrew Bird, Ryland Bouchard, that one guy from that one band I don't even listen to...oh, how the list goes on. Even social constructs regarding proper age differences, pasty white boys with tri-color wardrobes and, you know, death cannot defy them. Do you really think anyone involved with the 1980's hair metal movement would have gotten any tail had he not been in a band? Just think of the guitar as an extension of your manhood. Don't worry. You don't even have to be able to play music (think Fred Durst, then cringe). Just strap on a guitar and pretend to shred some metal. On second thought, just get really really good at Guitar Hero.

2. Play football for the Tennessee Volunteers.

People seem to like that here, girls and guys alike. So if you're looking for some grade-A idol worship, I've got your ticket right here. You don't even have to win games. Last time I checked the Vols still had several Facebook groups dedicated to its existence, which leads me to...

3. Stalk people on Facebook.

Come on, everyone does it. Just give in. You took note of that cute girl's name in pysch when the professor took roll and rushed home to Facebook her. You checked out her interests (ooo! She likes "being random" and "Grey's" just like me!), scanned her favorite music (DMB?! No way! Me too!), and were faced with the ultimate dilemma: to poke or not to poke. Should you just random friend her, or send a message first? I don't know she seems pretty cool; maybe you shouldn't risk it. Of course you should. Everyone acts like its soooo creepy, but really we're all thinking the same thing: that news feed was the best thing ever to happen to us. You know that your mutual Facebook friend Sarah (who you only added in order to get to said cute girl) tagged her in six photos yesterday. She's now friends with Charles Darwin and was invited to attend the "Valentine's Day for Singles" event, but still hasn't confirmed attendance. Just do it. Message her. Say something innately clever, feign some common interests (you already know all of hers), and giggle from behind a computer screen as she eats out of the palm of your hand.

4. Be a writer who uses magical realism to craft delicate, intimate short stories that extrapolate, with remarkable accessibility and unnerving beauty, the loneliness of the world.

Wait. Perhaps that one only applies to guys who fancy me. Eh. The world needs more writers that use magical realism to craft delicate, intimate short stories that extrapolate, with remarkable accessibility and unnerving beauty, the loneliness of the world.

5. Give up and act like it ain't no thang.

There is nothing, and I mean nothing, in this world more desirable than something you can't have. So believe me when I say there is nothing a girl wants more than a guy who is completely unobtainable. Take me and the aforementioned (and hypothetical) writer for example: he's probably old enough to be my father, married and with children - not that I would necessarily subscribe to proprieties in this situation, but I can't speak for him. There is also the chance he is single but inclined to solitary habits, perhaps a more likely scenario. In either case, I am certain we were made for each other.

If after all this you still can't find a date, I really don't know what to tell you. You are a failure with women. Go buy some ice cream on February 14th, eat your feelings, and become a Guitar Hero. If you can't have mobs of screaming girls chasing after you in real life, at least you can live vicariously through your television screen with a plastic Flying-V replica hanging at your waist.

XIV

2009-01-31T07:47:00.000-08:00

The time has come for my to comment on the University's current economic situation. Like fellow blogger Patrick, I have been trying to mold my opinion in the fairest light before posting. We'll see how I do.

Yesterday I posted the email we received from University President John Peterson because I thought it was important for everyone, UT students, parents and especially prospects to read. I laughed when I read it. Particularly at this part:

Today's economy presents challenges to all of us. We will have to make sacrifices, but we are determined to position ourselves to be a stronger University once this economic crisis is over.

I just don't believe that everyone is making sacrifices, especially the people who are in the the best position to do so - the people and departments with millions of dollars. I'm not talking about the President himself. I was actually surprised to find his annual salary to be $399,228.00. That seems reasonable to me. He is the president of a major institution. Do you know what I find unreasonable? The new football coach Lane Kiffin's salary. It's $2 million. Monte Kiffin, the new defensive coordinator will make $1.2 million with an expected retention bonus of $300,000 next December. The entire salary pool is $5.325 million. Does anyone find it, I don't know, a little odd that the new head football coach makes 5 times as much as the president of the University? Hm. Let's ignore the fact that I absolutely cannot comprehend that bit of information and try to see it from the other side. Football and UT athletics, in general, are good for the University. Okay? They are good because...they help establish a sense of school pride and community. Fact. They are good because they attract prospective students (athletes or not) and provide scholarship money for those athletes. Fact. They are good because they are just, well, fun. Fact. They are good because they provide revenue to support University academics and other programs. I guess. The University athletic department prides itself on being completely self-sufficient and replying on no state funding. Which is great and respectable. Except for that $1 million the University provides (from student fees) for women's athletics. Now...this might sound crazy...but what if Mr. Kiffin was paid just $1 million dollars? Then the athletic department could be COMPLETELY self-sufficient and the University would have and extra $1 million. I'm sure they could find something to do with it. Like pay some more professors, maybe. And, perhaps this is unrealistic. But if I can find viable "sacrifices" with relatively little research in only one department, surely the University can find some more - and in other department. Surely. And that's my point.

The Athletic Department does give back to the University, just to be clear. I still believe it could do more, especially in a time of such economic turmoil. And it might not require dipping into their salary pool. Recently, the University started a program called OUTLIVE which teamed up with basketball all-star Chris Lofton to raise money and awareness for cancer screenings and education at the UT Medical Center. Brilliant. The stars of the athletic department have an unmeasurable amount of influence in the community and beyond. Why not harness that power at put it to good use? I feel like there is an unlimited amount of fund-raising opportunities here. People will pay for things like autographs. Hell, people would probably give money just because a UT athlete asked nicely. And what about the UT athletic alum? Just throwing out ideas...

I would also like to mention the new University energy saving plan, Switch Your Thinking. I am willing to be a little chilly in classrooms if it means lower tuition and/or more professors. I think its a great idea.

The economic situation is scary. Seats in classes are becoming scarce. I don't want to see any of my professors without a job. I don't want to pay more to go to a school whose academics are suffering. To be honest, I'm glad I'm getting out in another year. Hopefully, this all turns around in a couple years, but we cannot count on that. Budget cuts are happening all around the nation, not just here, but some universities are in a better position to absorb the blow. UT does have a lower tuition (as of now), compared to similar schools in the area - but what does that matter if there are no professors to teach?

XIII

2009-01-30T09:05:00.000-08:00

January 30, 2009

To: UT Students
From: President John Petersen
Re: Budget Update

I want to thank and commend your chancellors and campus leaders for
their work during this budget crisis. At this time, I thought it would
be a good idea for you to hear from me as we go through this
unprecedented economic situation facing the University of Tennessee.

I know everyone is concerned about paying more to go to school, signing
up for classes and getting a quality education. We all share these
concerns, but be assured that we are working hard to come up with the
best solutions possible.

At the system level, we are overseeing the total budget for all campuses
and institutes. The Board of Trustees must approve any changes to
tuition, and that vote would not take place until the annual June
meeting in Knoxville. If approved, new fees would go into effect for
Fall 2009.

As President, I advocate for the University in Nashville, and I have
contacted our congressional delegation in Washington seeking financial
assistance.

The budget for the entire UT system is about $1.6 billion, which is made
up primarily of about 30 percent in state appropriations, 22 percent in
tuition and fees, 27 percent in grants and contracts and 10 percent in
auxiliaries like athletics, housing and parking.

For the fiscal year beginning July 1, 2009, we expect state funding to
be reduced by $66 million with the potential for $25 million more to be
cut if economic conditions worsen. Gov. Phil Bredesen will announce his
final budget numbers in his State of the State address in February.

Many of you probably know that the Tennessee Board of Regents, which
oversees public universities outside the UT System, is pursuing removing
the tuition cap, meaning full-time students would be charged per credit
hour. After some initial consideration, UT has decided to not take this
step now. Full-time UT students will continue to be charged a flat
tuition fee.

Because the budget reductions are so large, however, we have little
choice but to plan for increases in tuition. No decisions on the exact
amount have been made yet.

Chancellors and administrators have outlined the various ways they plan
to achieve their budget reductions. The plans, now turned in to the UT
System office, are being evaluated. Between now and mid-February, system
administrators will travel to each campus to meet with leaders and
review the proposals.

Many details of these plans will be presented to the Board of Trustees
at its winter meeting Feb. 26-27 in Memphis. This meeting will be
Webcast live, and you are encouraged to watch it online. A link to the
Webcast will be posted before the meeting at http://www.tennessee.edu/.

Today's economy presents challenges to all of us. We will have to make
sacrifices, but we are determined to position ourselves to be a stronger
University once this economic crisis is over.

Thank you,

John D. Petersen

XII

2009-01-14T19:53:00.000-08:00

Hello again friends. I hope all of you had a pleasant and restful holiday break. Mine almost got there. To gloss over the more uninteresting details, it started with a computer virus and ended with a rather upsetting disagreement. Various types of hullabaloo were strewn throughout the middle. But there was enough cheesecake and cookies to dull the pain and enough much missed faces to make it all better. And now I'm back. Back. Where the high is above freezing. Here. And everything is, basically, in working order.

But the semester has gotten off to an odd start:

Last week, there was a two day period in which I, inexplicably, fell - as in, to the ground - a total of three times. I did not slip, trip or stumble. I did not lose my balance. It was neither icy nor rough terrain. I just fell. Once in my backyard and twice walking to campus. It was just as if my legs were suddenly cut off at the knee. I am all bruised up. I have yet to determine the cause, and all of my theories are just silly and involve a mean-spirited (or perhaps just curious) person, in a room somewhere, perhaps in the cosmos, standing next to a switch that controls friction. The urge to flip the switch would be, undoubtedly, similar to that universal urge to pull a fire alarm, when one is positioned in close proximity. And so, perhaps, I wouldn't blame that person. These things happen.

One of my journalism professors keeps referencing "Cocke County." I counted five times last class period. I am not entirely sure if he is simply trying to make an inappropriate funny, or if Cocke County is well-known for being particularly backwards or undesirable. As I wasn't sure if "Cocke County" even existed. A cursory Google search told me that Cocke County is, indeed, a legitimate county in Tennessee, just east of Knoxville. This suggests that my professor is making more than just a not-so-lewd joke, but I guess there are just some things I will never understand about Cocke County.

A very very difficult and opinionated regular customer bought me a book, As the Man Thinkth, the other night. I think he was under the impression that he was changing my life. And perhaps he was (I haven't read the book yet). I think he thought I was a lost soul. Maybe I am and I just didn't realize. Now I am concerned. I know I am a mess inside, like everyone else, but perhaps I'm not hiding as well as the others. What, exactly, am I projecting here? Regardless, the moment - the scene - seemed almost too graceful, too well-written or rehearsed or something for real life, not to be epiphanic. So, I'll keep you posted.

I have only 12 credit hours. This is, perhaps, the strangest occurrence of all: I have way more free time. I was supposed to be filling this time interning with the Knoxville Voice, Knoxville's only independently owned alternative publication. Then poof! it no longer exists. I am very upset - it was nice to have a voice that wasn't owned by Scripps. Alas, corporate media and the failing economy wins again...and several talented people are suddenly out of a job. Just. Like. That. Oh, hello there, America.

In any case, with all of this free time I have been reading and writing a lot. I am in the process of compiling a list of short stories that impacted me the most in 2008. In case anyone is curious, and because I have nothing better to do, I will post it here when complete. I've never been good with end-of-the-year lists, so we'll see how this turns out.

XI

2008-12-24T22:53:00.000-08:00

Happy holidays to all! I hope everyone had/is having a pleasant one.

As some of you may know, my dad is what you might call a Christmas light enthusiast. We've always been able to land a plane on our street, for as long as I can remember, and this year is absolutely no exception. Last year, he began synchronizing our blinking lights to music - four instrumental songs in all - to the delight, judging by the constant line of cars parked outside our house, of the entire neighborhood. This year he increased the number of songs from four to eight, between which an announcer introduces each and recites sections of either The Night Before Christmas or The Grinch. I promised a few Tennesseans I would show them how it's done here in the Midwest, thus the following video. It's the last song of the show, and technically not a Christmas song, but no one seems to mind much. I usually try to avoid drawing attention to myself, but, in the spirit of the holiday season, I suppose I can make an exception. The video is lacking slightly in the quality category, but I trust you'll pick up what I'm throwing down.

When I inevitably tire of watching my neighbor (my current activity) struggle to drive up his driveway, which happens to be a sheet of ice, I may detail more closely my winter break. It involves a lot of below zero temperatures and heartless precipitation. And also cheesecake.

X

2008-12-14T22:42:00.000-08:00

Hello Jessica, this is the Universe speaking. You didn't really think you were going to get off that easy, did you? With that whole one real final thing? You should have expected the torrential downpour. You should have expected the wet rain smell to invade your nasal passage, envelop your brain and remind you that you really really really do no like the squish squish squish cacophony of wet flesh and rubber and linoleum. The dying worm smell. You should have expected the poor judgment, the subsequent parking ticket.

Hey kids, don't park in the faculty lots even if it is 7 a.m. and raining. Even if you are the luckiest guy, the luckiest guy on the lower east side. It will bite you in the derriere. It will it will it will. You will get a parking ticket and you will pay $32 out of your Christmas fund and then you will have to give friends and loved ones subpar presents and then they won't love you anymore because the quality of a relationship is directly proportional to the quality of the given gift.

On the plus side, I am done now.

On the not plus side...I am completely terrified of my house right now. I am in my room in my bed...alone in the house. By myself. Alone. My lovely roommates already left for home and I am stuck here to suffer a week by myself. In the dark. This house must be haunted. I bet several people have died in this house, and also several family pets...it is so old and everything creaks and I am pretty sure that there is some unwritten understanding that if the lights aren't on...that is the creepies' domain, reserved for creeping, and I daren't enter. I might die here, alone. And no one would know. The problem is...we have these switches in the most inconvenient places and you have to run through dark hallways and/or rooms to get to them. By that time, it might be too late. And our electric bill is way too high for me to keep lights on, or I would. I WOULD. Screw the earth and conserving energy - I got dem ghosts after ma bones. I keep intermittently staring at my door, just waiting for it to creep open. If I start at it long enough, it looks like its actually opening. Have you ever experienced that? That is why people go insane.

I have nothing to do for a week. All my friends are gone.

Freaking CPO is down right now, as it has been all day. I can't look at my grades, and by grades I mean all of my beautiful (two projected, two verified) A's and one blemishing B-. The thing about that B- is, I'm pretty sure it should have been a C. Straight up. There must have been a curve in that class. It isn't that the class was extremely difficult, per se, but it was three hours long, one day a week. I've discovered that is the worst possible format for a class. I just could not, for the life of me, adjust. I do NOT recommend it. Don't do it. Doooon't do it. I didn't have a choice because I needed that class and that was the only time available. But if you have a choice, don't do it. You won't retain any information. After the grueling three straight hours of class you won't want to think about it again - ever - until the night before when you realize that, yes, you do in fact have a class on Tuesday. It's easy to forget. Especially when it's at 5:00 p.m. So in conclusion, three hour classes once a week are a certain kind of hell and your grades will suffer. The end.

I'm sleepy.

IX

2008-12-06T20:52:00.000-08:00

Everyone is studying for finals right now. Everyone except me. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm just sitting here. Doing nothing. I don't have anything to do. I just lied. Really, I should be rewriting my story...but I don't feel creative right now. And I should be reviewing half a semester's worth of short stories for my final. But I don't feel like it. And since I've done little to nothing academic the past week...it's hard to get going again.

I have done a few things, though, which I will now recount:

On Wednesday, one of my favorite musicians came to Knoxville. His name is Ryland Bouchard, formerly known as The Robot Ate Me. I discovered him about two years ago when he was supposed to have a show somewhere here...and then something happened and he ended up playing at some guy's house. I'm not exactly sure what that something is that happened, but it ended up being crazy and weird and great. This time he played at the Birdhouse, which in a venue near where I live.

It's just an old house, basically - very quaint, very low key. (Very hip.) I can't explain to you how much I enjoy The Robot Ate Me, so I'm just not going to try. I will, however, encourage you to click on those links above and have a little listen. I Need Sleep also played with them. After a two-year hiatus. They are very fun. The whole thing was extremely enjoyable. One of the more enjoyable nights I've had recently.

Ummm...I have also been working a lot. I work at Hargreaves Books in Bearden. It is an independent discount bookstore that more people should know about. Go there. Buy books. I like working there. I like looking at all the author photos on the backs of books and on the inside of the jackets. I love it actually. Especially the Action/Thriller, Mystery and Fantasy/Sci-Fi ones. Oh man. They pose with cats and stuff. Or try to look sexy. Or try to look really intimidating, I guess that's what it is. They always fail. ALWAYS. And they are often plastered over the entire back of the novel. It's just so strange. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about/think that it is strange? If (WHENWHENWHEN) I'm ever an author, I believe I will follow suit and assault my books with the most ridiculous head shots. It's going to be very self-exploitive. That's the thing. Usually you put pictures of people on things to sell stuff, right? Well...an author picture doesn't sell a book. Most of them are...not very attractive in the pictures. The pictures, I am sure, do them no justice. They are, as a rule, unflattering. Like senior pictures. EXCEPT FOR JACK KEROUAC. Umm...I don't know how I have existed in the world so long without having known that Jack Kerouac was an extremely attractive individual. But know this: he was. I was taken way off guard, just minding my own business, scanning in On the Road and BAM! Oh whoa, is that Jack Kerouac? Yes. Holy poop. It is. But in general the pictures are not flattering. Amusing, yes, but not flattering. So, I fail to see the point. Unless authors and publishers unite for the sole purpose of making my day. That would be nice, but I doubt that is the case. I have so many books to read.

Man, I need to buy Christmas presents. But I don't have any money. So most people will probably get books because I can get them at a very low price. I have also been trying to crochet things for people...but I don't think I'm very good at crocheting. Oh well. Know this friends: it was made with love.

Speaking of having no money, I am very sad. I don't think I can go to Ireland in the summer anymore. For those of you who don't know, I was planning on interning in Ireland this summer. But it's too expensive. I would have to pay for it by myself - which is fine because my parents should NOT spend another cent on me, honestly, I'm guilt ridden - but I just don't think I'll be able to swing it. The program fee itself is $3900, which isn't that bad. But then I have to pay $2700 for THREE hours of out-of-state tuition. Not to mention plane tickets and spending money, etc. That just makes me so mad. For in-state students its only $800, but they probably wouldn't be paying it anyway because they probably have access financial aid stockpiled in their bank accounts. I am VERY bitter about the in-state/out-of-state financial situation. Basically, it's not fair at all. As I'm sure a lot of you know, most Tennesseans, if they even get halfway decent grades, basically get paid to go to school here. The Hope Scholarship. Which, is great for Tennesseans. Really, I'm sure it helps a lot of kids go to school that might not have been able to. But I have always been at the top of my class in everything. And I get nothing but thousands of dollars of debt. And I apply for the scholarships. And I've gotten a few...but $1000 a year isn't even a dent in the $18,000+ it costs to go here. And, I've basically lived here for three years. I work in Tennessee, I pay rent. But I am not a resident because I have financial ties with my parents. I would have to completely emancipate myself from them in order to get any financial aid. And yes, I am aware I made a choice to go here. Don't care. Higher education is too expensive in general. If someone wants to broaden their horizons and study in a different location, they should be able to do that without going into massive debt. It's terrible. And I am sad because I really really really really wanted to go to Ireland. I just don't know if taking out a $10,000 loan is worth it...especially in these questionable economic times. Ew, writing this made me in a bad mood. I'm leaving.

PS - Happy Birthday Kevin Brockmeier!!!

PPS - Kevin is my current literary obsession. His latest collection of short stories - The View From the Seventh Layer - is one of my favorite items in this world. I keep it on my bedside table. I often gaze at it fondly. Check it.

PPPS - I see I took to long in writing this and am 30 minutes late in my birthday wish.

PPPPS - Ignore that last PPPS. The date is correct on the post.

PPPPPS - I was introduced to Kevin's work heeeeeeere at the University of Tennessee!!! His short story "The Ceiling" was assigned in one of my wonderful creative writing classes. Then I was like Oh my god. Then he read at the Laurel Theater. Then I was like Oh my god oh my god.

VIII

2008-12-01T22:36:00.000-08:00

The semester is over the semester is over the semester is over. Not really. Sort of. I just finished my LAST journalism assignment. I have ONE more assignment to shoot for photojournalism. ONE critique. ONE short story to rewrite. And ONE final. Do not ever expect to have only one final during your time here at UT. I am just exceptional (see what I did there?). Rereading that, it seems like one might think I have a lot left to do. Well, I don't. That is nothing compared to what most people are going through right now. Oh hey, final season is unpleasant. Remember that.

What makes things ever more unpleasant is the fact that we are all (yes I am speaking for the entire student body. I do what I want.) still riding our Thanksgiving break highs. It really is cruel, this system that gives us a little smackeral of delicious delicious gluttony and subsequent (and still delicious) inertia, and then rips it from our little hands. Shoves a week of finals - all of which will be critical in pushing your final marks from minus to normal, from normal to plus - into our now plump and rosy faces. Oooo baby, baby it's a wild world. Trying to get by just upon a smile. That's a good song.

Let's see...I had a good break. I am now in constant anticipation of winter break. Because I love the holiday season and I will be able to see MAH FRIEND WHO WILL BE BACK FROM LONDON AT THAT TIME. We barely got to see each other before she went to London, as she goes to IU and I go to UT...but this whole London-for-a-semester thing really inhibited the visual aspect of our friendship. Which isn't critical, but still nice. Instead of seeing only one bestie over Thanksgiving, I could have seen two besties. You know, sometimes the distance thing really is not good. I mean, I have enjoyed the new avenues the distance has afforded some of my relationships, but lately it has just been reminding me of the inevitable temporality of it all. I don't mean to sound like a negative Nancy or anything. Things just aren't the same, blah blah blah, and they never will be. Eventually, I will embrace this idea and revel in the exponential possibility of it all. That will be a good day. I'm almost there. I can see it.

VII

2008-11-21T13:35:00.000-08:00

Everything that was pretty last week died this week. I'm exaggerating, but only slightly. Because it feels like that. All of the trees are naked. Which might be pretty cool, if you were a tree. I'm not a tree, so I wouldn't know, but I'm pretty sure if I were a tree, I would still want all of my leaves on me and not incinerated by the feet of a thousand hapless students. One, because I don't see how being in tree form would make me any less self-conscious, and two, because it's cold outside. Very cold. Like walking in death. That's how I feel about it. I speed walk to class now. I weave in and out of fellow pedestrians like it's my thang. My thang that I do. My shtick or whatever. I'm always a little apprehensive to pass walkers on a sidewalk though, in an isolated area when it is just the two of us. It seems very offensive to me like, "Hey man, you are just walking too darn slow. I am going to pass you and leave you in my incinerated leaf wake and make you self-conscious and fully aware of your slowness. You are burdening my life." This is exactly what I think when people pass me in these types of situations. So, you know, I try not to do it. But when it's cold...all bets are off. I only had slight tinges of guilt when I passed, like, 345838967598 people today. But get this. So I was walking back to my car and it's cold as death right? And everyone is spaced pretty evenly over a large distance, walking pretty fast - ideal conditions for avoiding conflict, but, of course, I'm still blowing them out of the water. And then I hear a swift crunching of leaves to my right. Out of my periph I see this guy - going out into the street - in an attempt to pass me. Well, I certainly wasn't going to let him off that easy. So I dragged him. We were both walking super fast and I wondered if he knew we were racing. Then he started to pull away. Listen, there is only so much I could do with the legs of a 5'3" frame without actually breaking into a run. That probably would have been weird for him. But I kept him in my eyesight, though, until our paths diverged. And grimaced at the back of his head.

Really, I'm being a big baby. It's not even that cold outside. I can't even see my breath unless I hold it in for a long time and heat it up and then exhale. I come from the Chicagoland area. It gets frigid and snows everywhere and everything dies twice, if not three, times as hard. I should be used to this, but east Tennessee's relatively mild winters have coddled me. And turned me into a big whining baby. But everyone else is the same way so I'm pretty much okay with it.

Winter is good for a few things. Drinking warmness: coffee, tea, hot chocolate, a variety of soups. Being in blankets. Being in sweaters. Being cozy, in general - you can't really ever be cozy in the summer. Eating. Fires. Reading by fires. Writing. Crispness. Candles that smell like Christmas. Christmas. And if we take a look at those things, we see we can do all of them inside, save for crispness. This is my point: winter means staying inside and being warm and cozy. If I need some crispness I can open the door and breathe a few times and then crawl back under the blankies with hot chocolate and a book and maybe even a person or a dog, if I'm feeling sociable. That sounds pleasant. School should end now so I can do these things instead of incubating an ulcer.

VI

2008-11-12T22:13:00.000-08:00

Fine. Since no one has suggested topics of discussion I will be forced to continue rambling about nothing, and inevitably about myself, to the benefit of - most likely - no one. Whee! I have tried to draft blogs about "typical college life" or whatever, but it all sounds rather dull on the page. It feels wrong that I should represent such a large body of people, most of whom lead far more interesting lives than I.

Here I will attempt to compress a typical week, in case anyone is interested. I think I probably would have been interested as a prospective student (or now...), but I am incredibly snoopy. I peek during Hide n' Seek. It's a problem I have.

Monday and Wednesdays.

These are good days. I wake up at 7 and do the whole getting ready thing. I live in Old North Knoxville in a cute little house with a porch and two lovely friends, all of which I quite enjoy, but I am forced to drive to school - mostly because I fear riding a bike and traffic and the potentiality of my heart exploding from my chest as I attempt to mount a steep hill, of which there are several. I am sorry. I am from the flattest part of the country and, from the sound of this blog, apparently lazy. This, I realize, is no excuse and I chastise myself daily, particularly when I am stopped for several minutes at the ridiculously slow light on my street. I highly recommend investing in a bike. I am a poor example. To continue: I refused to pay for a commuter parking pass (it really is ridiculous, sometimes, what they charge you for here) - so I found another legal place to park. I'm not going to tell you where it is because I don't want you little hoodlums to take my spot. It is a nice little walk to campus. I enjoy this; it wakes me up - especially now when all the leaves are changing. Falling leaves also affords one the opportunity to experience the armies of leaf-blowers all over campus. I have roughly calculated the leaf to leaf-blower ratio to be 1:98459486. You'll pick up what I'm throwing down when you get here.

I have a Short Fiction class at 9:05. I love short stories and my professor makes me laugh. I am not going to mention my professors' names because I am awkward. My next class isn't until 11:15 so I usually kill an hour in the library. It is a quiet death. I usually sit in the chairs lining the hallway on the 2nd floor. I enjoy watching the people go by. I stare at the tour groups and listen to the tour guides say the same things - like how the Starbucks to your right was the first Starbucks in Knoxville. I don't know about you, but I don't really think that is a point worth mentioning. It annoys me. Anyways, I watch your eyes glaze over. Sometimes I am productive and read. Sometimes I eat an almond-poppy seed muffin. Sometimes I go to the stacks to find a book and realize that if I haven't mastered the system in the three years I have been here, I never will. Sometimes I go to my professor's office hours to talk about academic things.

At 11:15 I go to my Modern British Novel class, which I enjoy and learn a lot. Directly after, I go to Photojournalism. If it is Monday I go to an independent study and try to appear like I know what I'm talking about. The theme is Contemporary Magical Realism. Independent studies are excellent. If it is Wednesday I might wander around campus or talk to people or try to start homework in the library. I usually go home. I love the drive back because Knoxville is weird. You can see the mountains all around in the distance and then you look to your right and you see this really vintage looking urban area with old store fronts, gilded signs, to your left decrepit and abandon apartment buildings. A little further down there is a castle house turned TV station. Everything is so oddly blended together. That was a poor rendering of the city.

Once at home, I usually fall asleep. Never underestimate the lure of a bed in college. Naps are good, I will stand by that. Then I procrastinate a lot and talk to my roommates and creep Facebook and do nothing until I HAVE to do my homework, of which there is plenty. Easily 50-100+ pages a night (if I keep to my schedule), depending on the unfortunate tendency for big assignments to overlap. Currently, I am working on two 6+ page papers for the English classes, a 4 page paper and a photo assignment for photojournalism and a short story for my independent study. I usually have a reading assignment for each class, which altogether amounts to about three sections of a novel and 5-7 short stories, most of which require written responses, per week. I'm not sure if that sounds like a lot or not, but other than a few stressful moments, it has been completely manageable.

I don't really go out much on during the week due to the whole homework thing. I have less and less free time as the semesters go on. If there is a reading on Monday, I usually go to that. Other than that, I watch Top Chef on Wednesdays.

That was too long, incredibly so. I think I will save the rest of the week for another time.

V

2008-11-05T11:56:00.000-08:00

Umm...so, there is only a month left in the semester. I have no idea what happened to it, not to mention the past 2 years, but they are all gone. I have 1.5 left. Then, I have no idea what will become of me. How frightening. This is a serious concern.

I realize that all of you wee high schoolers might be facing a similar situation...except not really at all because you are entering the glorious world of higher education, a fantastical place of 24 hour delivery and relatively little outside responsibility, and I am facing the pits of hell. Otherwise known as adulthood. What a gross oversimplification. But anyway. I am resisting. Can you tell? Also, one of my friends suggested that I be "more relevant." So this is me trying to be more relevant...albeit self-involved (this is a blog, dontcha know), but more relevant. I'm not sure what that means.

So I guess I'd like to tell you some things, to ease your troubled minds about college, mainly because I would like someone to ease my mind about life, in general. But I don't know what you would like to know. I probably could tell you some relevant things, but I can't read minds. Yet. So this is my official plea for topics of discussion.

If you are looking for an example, here is one that immediately comes to mind: Should I buy a Mac or PC? Answer: Mac. I own a PC. Macs are superior to PCs and they make you hip. (Disclaimer: Do NOT buy a Mac if you are planning to enter the business program. The two are not compatible. Also, do not plan on being hip, in general, if you enter the business program. Sorry Pri Pri.)

I am occasionally somewhat concerned about the way I am presenting myself to the world on this thing. And I'm not vain enough to believe anyone actually cares about what I'm prattling off (or to suggest that I even have a substantial amount of readership), so...it would be real neat if you had some suggestions. Unless you are too busy/informed/stubborn/important to be bothered by such frivolities as this. Then I understand...that you are lame. Just kidding. Not. But really.

If no one responds, I guess I'll continue to ramble. Which is fine. I just figured I might as well throw the opportunity for discussion out there.

One more thing.

We won, people of America! Be proud. Last night I watched the election with my friend Sam at our bosses' house. They live on a secluded little hillside. We sat around a little bonfire listening to President Obama's speech, I could look up and every star; I cannot recall another time I felt as hopeful.

IV

2008-10-30T14:11:00.000-07:00

Halloweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen! Reasons why it rules:

1. Pumpkins. It is the only time of year when pumpkins are not grossly underrated. I cannot stress this enough to you, interwebz: love your pumpkins while they are here. Take advantage of pumpkin flavored...everything. Pumpkin pie, pumpkin seeds, pumpkin bread, pumpkin (and chocolate chip) muffins (delicious), pumpkin pie Blizzards from DQ (also highly enjoyable), pumpkin pancakes (see IHOP), pumpkin soup...pumpkin spiced lattes... And don't forget about CARVING pumpkins! Sadly, I'm allergic to carving pumpkins...I get a large, scaley rash on my arm...so no pumpkin carving for me unless I want to be ostracized from society....siiiiigh. But you guys can and SHOULD.

2. Costumes. Silliness for all! And you get rewarded with candy. Also, this is a good opportunity to dress really skanky, if you have low self-esteem and are in need of some ogling. Ogling will be had... and with very little to no judgment by your peers. I will probably still judge you though because I can. You will still get candy.

3. Candy. I love candy. Num num num. Need more excuses for consuming large quantities of candy.

4. Halloween parties. Woooooo! I am going to one...as Mia Wallace. I would also like to mention the Pilot Light's annual Halloween Masquerade benefit show. Every year local bands dress up and play as cover bands of a variety of acts. Usually ridiculous. This year they will be covering the Jesus Lizard, Billy Idol, the Beastie Boys and Nirvana among a few others. Everyone dresses up and gets real sweaty and has an awesome time. Definitely worth checking out.

In conclusion, watch "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown." The end.